My personal thoughts

I have this gut feeling that life is really going to suck here.  I have this feeling that I am never going to see john most of the time because earlier we were talking and he was telling me that someone in his unit was asking him if i was independant and he said well we're working on that so that scares me by him telling me that.  That right there just tells me that more than likely i wont be seeing him hardly at all and i just dont know if i can handle that or not and that scares me.  I am so used to having him the way things have been the past year that its going to be hard to try to adjust to anything else.  I am scared i am just going to screw up like I usually do or that i am just not going to be able to handle things all by myself. I am so worried about alot of things but i can't tell john any of this because he would just think i am weak and stupid.  I only just wish i could really open up and tell him all of these feelings but he would either get mad or just not listen to what i am saying at all.  I am just really unsure if i can readjust to anything other than how its been with us for the past year.  

soooooooooo mad right now

At john all he does is make fun of me and calls me the worst names around and it makes me feel really bad and i have told him over and over to please don't do that and i hate it i really hate it. He doesn't know how awful he makes me feel when he says those things or how much it hurts me. And now to top it all off to make this night even more of a fucking nightmare i get this message from someone who i thought was my friend.

Gonna be one of those days

I just woke up a few minutes ago and already the day is starting out crazy. I made john sleep on the couch last night since he really made me mad and let me tell you i slept better than i did in a really long time so that was quite nice.  I love him i really do but he just made me so mad last night i was tired of it. Sometimes he says things and it just hits my wrong nerves and well lets say last night he did that big time. Anyway, i just had to wake up taylor to get her ready for church and she's being a drama queen this morning.  I swear wherever taylor is there is definitely some drama.  So anyway, i am hoping to get john and the other kids up in a few so we can all get ready for church.  Lately, all john has wanted to do is lay around the house and i can't do that, that is getting on my nerves so i told him today after church we are all going to go up to alexandria and get away from the house for a while.  All we did yesterday was sit around the house all day and that was really really boring.  

Good afternoon....

I am sitting here at the computer when there is a ton of other things I should be doing right now. John is off today because hes going to the field tomorrow so he has o pack and get ready. The good thing about him going to the field is i am able to keep my house clean but i dread him coming home with dirty gear but that is the things we sign up or when we marry a servicemember. Anyway, thomas and rachael are both taking their naps so this would definitely be the perfect time to finish up my cleaning. He is in the hallway right now packing up his ruck and the boys are all over him. They have really gotten attached to him this past year and i really wish they hadn't because they are just going to get hurt in the end.

Just one of those days.....

Where my loveable husband decides to wait until tonight to give me the lovely news he's going to the field on thursday and won't be back until sometime on friday which is ok I can definitely handle that but shit why didn't he tell me before now which would have been really nice. The thing i don't get is why is this guy not wanting to wait until everyone gets back from leave to start up the training. I have a feeling this is going to be a really long year omg. With my luck he will go to the field and these kids are going to drive me insane that whole night. I hate it when he's gone because then i dont sleep. I have a really hard time going to sleep when he's not home.